3.11.21 10:11 am

The chasm. The chasm of where you were supposed to be and where you are not. a sense that the chasm will never fill itself. There is no new baby that can fill that chasm. no therapist with words eloquent to fill that chasm. no anti-depressants strong enough. no alcohol or substance that makes me think you are back in my arms. 

 an emptiness I never knew was possible. an emptiness I never thought would come to me. one that I frankly thought I could outsmart and outresearch. the loss of you has brought me to my knees to question who I am and the limits of my control on life. 

 there is never a moment that you aren't with me. right now it is the loss of you. eventually I hope it will be the strength of how hard you fought to join us. 

 there is no meaning in losing you. there will never be meaning. 

and here I sit. 

here I sit wondering who you would have been. only having been given a glimpse. a glimpse I loved. kicking with reckless abandon at the sound of your brother's high pitched squeals. never a kick for your father or I like those. 

there was something special there. something I can't describe between you and Henry. Everyday, multiple times a day, Henry would say he was too excited to wait for you to come. He would say it was taking too long and we agreed. He would cry at having to wait. 

sitting with henry in his grieving the loss of you remains the very hardest part for me. you were his greatest joy. a promise we made to him that you would be here. a promise we didn't keep. a promise we never imagined ourselves not keeping.