1.10.21 5:21 am

I lay awake praying for a different reality. a reality where my newborn son is laying asleep in his crib in his nursery. making bottles. changing diapers. having a first bath. instead we are making autopsy arrangements, picking out a cemetery and getting our heads around life without our beautiful and seemingly perfect child. wondering who he would have been. what his personality would have been like. how unique his way if being in the world would have been and the joy he would have brought to our family. watching henry’s unending excitement for Ollie has only made the loss that much harder to endure. he was to be the balm to our family’s soul during the darkest period our family has endured. I pray Henry recovers from this and that it is not a stain on his childhood from which he can never recover as an adult. I pray I can be what he needs during this time even if it drains me. I pray there is meaning for us and for Oliver in the midst of this senseless tragedy. Oliver must live on. and we must be the conduits for Oliver to live on. Oliver is. Oliver is the love of my life. He is my baby son for eternity. He is at the center of my heart and it’s greatest desire. I trust we will meet again after my time on earth is done and we will be very busy with all the cuddles and love that I have waited a lifetime to give you.