1.28.21 6:09 pm
I will never know
never know who you will be
what your cry will sound like
what your laugh will look like on your face
how your brother will take joy in it
how your father and I will join in your laughs
what your personality will be like
where your loves will be. will they be bubbles and balloons like Henry. unchanged in the last 4 years
I can invent what I think you will be like but the truth is I will never know. Never know if you are a quiet, kind soul like your father. a boy who loves to read like your Daddy. a cerebral man. in my mind you will always be like your daddy. although I’m sure you will have been your own soul. a soul I would have loved to know. I know so little but I treasure what I know. I know that you loved your brother’s voice more than anyone else’s. at his screams of joy you would kick a ferocious kick. kicks like no others. I would attempt, or ask your daddy to attempt stimulating you the way Henry could, but no one could.
You and Henry. There’s something other worldly there. Henry asked every day when you will be here and how “he just couldn’t wait”. but now he’ll oh so long await you. hopefully some 85-90 years. how long that will be. how blissful I imagine your being together. you would have been the most amazing of little brothers and he of big brothers. I must listen quietly for your presence. Like this morning when you showed up as a sparrow when I was on the phone with my therapist yet again. It has become your tradition to manifest as the most amazing of birds. and typically when I am talking to my therapist. I think it’s your way of telling me I must stay with her - ha! Oh how I love you my Ollie. “Baby Olllllieee” as your brother says. Stay safe for me. Tell God hello for me. I thank God for taking care of you for me. I trust that God will until I can get there to you. As much as I want to hurry I know that your brother needs me and God is far greater than I at taking care of you. You are in the best of hands. Better than mine. In case you didn’t know, although I highly doubt that - I love you. I love you more than myself. I love you in a way I never knew I could until I had you and Henry. You all are my it. My because. It is my life’s imperative for you to be known. and for me to continue to discover who you are. You are not a was but an are and any attempts to make you a past tense I will fight with every fiber of my being. Dear Ollie, let me know you so that I may share you with the world. I love you my baby boy.