1.29.21 8:04 am

Oh Ollie, I wake up and you are there. you are my first thought before I open my eyes. I have read that where there is immense grief there is great love. There is certainly no shortage of love here. Grief is the price we pay for love and my baby boy how I did and do love you. How you were so very wanted. The realization of all of mine and your father’s hopes were you. We were astonished at how quickly I became pregnant with you after being told by numerous fertility and obstetric specialists that my uterus was at the end of its useful life from fibroids and endometriosis. Yet there you were heartbeat and all some 6 weeks later. and beat your heart did. It beat until 32 weeks and 6 days when my world came crashing down. That was 3 weeks ago today and yet it seems like 5 minutes ago. The shock and the terror was so overwhelming that I didn’t fully process the loss of you until 2 weeks later and certainly not in the excruciating first 24 hours. Your birth is of course nothing like we planned but it was beautiful. Know that. It was our way. I birthed you myself which seemed to be what the universe wanted from both of us. I grew you for 32 weeks and change and my hands needed to be the first to meet you. You came into the world with me in awe of you. Awe of your strength and all the preterm labor we now know you must have endured. Awe of your beauty and how much you looked like your brother Henry. Your full head of hair that looked like Henry’s. Well all of your features clearly resembled your Father’s genetics. We knew immediately you were ours.