4.2.21 9:10 pm

Sometimes the pain is so severe it feels like it’s choking me. Like someone has me in an unending chokehold. I’ve stopped writing to you the last week or so in an attempt not to feel it. The grief overtakes me often and renders me utterly helpless and hopeless. I loved and love you more than I knew was possible. I long for you. I long to hold you. Cuddle you. Love on you. To care for you. To be your mother. To hear your cry. I will never know your smile. Your laugh. Even your voice. You were so close to joining us. So close I can taste it. I can feel it all like it was 5 minutes ago. close enough to remember every single detail and far enough to know you’re never coming home. Never coming home. What do I do with that. Where do I go from here. What is left of this life of mine. You are a part of me that is so intrinsic to my identity that it feels a lie to step forward in this world without you. I am. you are. And together we are more than we both could dream possible. Hear my screams for you my son. Hear my soul split open. See everything I have in this world spilled out on the table for you. I will write because I love. A love that never ends